Having closed in 2009, the Oldham loop-line disappeared from network maps, reappearing only as subject of approximately 1.4 million negative comments in the Manchester Evening News website. With Metrolink's distinctive banana coloured trams prone to delay, spontaneously combusting or going to Altrincham in groups of 12, it's little wonder that the delay in opening Oldham caused the Professional Newspaper Comment Section Corps. Given that most once-upon-an-age commuters have either moved house or died since Transport for Greater Manchester (yes, they aped Transport for London in the most obvious act of flirtation since Bonzo took a rabbit to the High School Disco to wave the thing by its ears in front of Celia Sprong.)
No section of the Metrolink 'big bang' expansions have yet opened on time, which one supposes is just another ape of big brother London Underground. This has opened up a shed load of criticism from just about anyone living with a Manchester postcode; even when lines are opened there's always a failed tram somewhere, invariably at the MediaCity pokey-out-bit, causing back-ups in central Manchester that would cause the populace of most other cities to storm municipal halls seeking vengeance.
In anycase, excitable Deansgate woman boarded her tram to Piccadilly, leaving me alone on Deansgate(-Castlefield) with a return ticket and nobody to share it with. The Oldham Mumps tram arrived a few minutes later, coming from what will eventually be the direct link through southern Manchester to the Airport. I was one of a number of passengers who stayed on at Victoria, though the crawl through the city centre (during which the tram runs at road level along side shops and shoppers) saw many people depart at Market Street or Shudehill. The greatest influx of passengers came at Manchester Victoria, and of these, I'd be generous to call the majority of them 'enthusiasts'. Dozens of men - and they were all men - with various shades of grey hair stood or sat with cameras and notepads close to hand. Six Metrolink uniformed men - and they were all men - stood in a clump on the platform, the least proportionate crowd control I've seen outside gigs.
Unlike the London Underground, Manchester's trams are essentially silent. No constant roll-call of messages and warnings, or the over repetitive destination speeches ("This is a something line to somewhere, the next stop is someplace, change here for other lines and two arbitrarily selected tourist attractions."). Metrolink's delicately accented woman waits until a station is arrived at, says "This is an Oldham Mumps service, the next stop is somewhere", and then keeps silent. Bliss. Joy be praised. She even says "Mumps" with a clipped Lancastrian accent, which is a bonus.
Whilst waiting for the first stop, I check Twitter for various related search terms. "Who the hell decided to call it Mumps?" asks someone. "As if a new line to Oldham is considered news!" sneered another. Tough crowd. "Freehold?!" said another tweet, stunned into just one word by one of the newest stops on the newest line.
As each stop approaches, it soon becomes clear that only two kinds of people are waiting on the platforms; enthusiasts with cameras and twice their number in Metrolink officials/ticket inspectors. I can't say for certain if anyone leaves our tram at any of the intermediate stations. Other than the Clipped Accent Announcer Woman, the only other sound is the beep-whirr-click of cameras.
Central Park was opened in 2009, then left to gather rust and publicity posters for local music events, leaving the glass and chrome canopy roof resembling the entrance to an abandoned tourist attraction in a recession hit corner of Spain. It seems to be in the middle of a cross-fingers and hope regeneration park, which makes the poster's slogan - "A Perk for Central Park!" - seem somewhat condescending.
My personal highlight of the journey is the approach to South Chadderton, built like the very best bits of London's DLR or a low-budget rollercoaster, dipping down from height to reach the station, which has been built in the 'bowl'. I can imagine - and experienced - drivers having a lot of fun with that.
The route to Mumps is only temporary, as all maps are at pains to remind locals. A new line will cut into the town centre itself, leaving the current Mumps station as a briefly existing blob on the network. For a temporary station, it's looking very much the part, not least because it's been given all the corporate yellow gloss that TfGM can throw at it. The predecessor station was notoriously grim, though both suffer from being located on the wrong side of a dual carriageway.
At the recommended watering hole of the Ashton Arms, the landlady was deep in conversation with locals and enthusiasts about the new line's opening. "Two years late, more expensive, longer travelling times and no toilets!" she summarised before serving me. "But that's progress, eh?" I offered.
The journey back into Manchester is noticeably slower, with the driver, an assistant in a hi-viz jackets and two ticket inspectors (and/or revenue protection assistants or whatever we're calling them this week) enjoying the view from inside the cab.
As much as I enjoyed my....three....pints (and a packet of Scampi Fries, of course), Oldham is in need of whatever economic boost the trams provide. The walk into town is quite an eye-opener, with more For Sale signs than I could count attached to long since abandoned stores. The open market was a great sign, with people milling about occasionally stopping at a butcher's or what seemed to be a bathroom fitting salesman, though even this is tucked away in the background with all the signs of it being left to fend for itself.
All that said, at Failsworth a number of people boarded who looked positively normal (teenage girl with scowl, two teenage boys with hats at a jaunty angle) and Victoria, where I departed, was a success for people shopping over people taking photographs. It's doubtlessly overdue, dripping with cynical doubts and occasionally just plain not reliable, but Metrolink is a success and this new line was an interesting day out experience. I will not, however, use the excuse of one decent pub for having daily excursions to Oldham.