Wednesday, March 31, 2010

all the news fit to print

It's been a busy old week for news. Can you tell there's an election coming? Yes, you're getting quicker flicking over to Glee when you hear the BBC News theme aren't you?

Always a sign.

Tony Blair - remember him? Last seen doing the old science-fiction "retcon" trick over at the Chilcott Inquiry? - has been sounding the drum for his (auld) enemy Gordon Brown. This surely cannot have gone down well in the heartlands, as most Labour seats are lost as a consequence of Tony Blair sticking around looking and sounding exhausted and deceitful.

This kind of thing is quite common in football, though, with just about as much sincerity. "I respected the job he did at the club and there's a lot of signs of his influence around the ground today..." he says, looking at dwindling crowd of anoraks Twittering around a Thermos while a huddle of unfit next-big-things hoik long balls towards the local paper reporters.

It was Blair, we remember, who gave Brown the title "clunking fist", and for headline writers everywhere, Brown has not disappointed. He's made a clunking fist of everything since taking over. He couldn't even make a disaster work in his favour though; he'll always have the longest, deepest recession in history to his name - after all, he created it - but Blair sanctioned an illegal invasion of Iraq. Second place again, Gordon!

Bigger, more meaty news-stories of recent times struggled to make the lead on either BBC or Sky. The former retreated into usual territory - the ban on methedrone was treated pretty much like the IT'S WAR! frenzy over on The Day Today - while the latter continues to push its forthcoming Leaders Debates slot as though self-referential programme plugging is part of OFCOMs definition of "news".

In times gone by, the staggering achievements at the Large Hadron Collider would have been enough to send all workers and schoolchildren home to enable the population the honour of being within a screen's width of life-changing science.

The...shall I say..."incident" within troubled waters excited those of us who have North Korea down on the "end of the world sweepstake". Currently - I think, you know how these things change when North Korea are involved - the South claim the whole thing was caused by a mine. Possibly Northern. Probably one of their own. But it definitely did not start with warning shots being aimed at flocks of The Dear Leader's Armed Seagull Division.

Though you never know.

Last night, Ribéry showed what comes when you're an expensive top-league footballing talent who doesn't lose concentration after 80 minutes. Tonight, may Allah be kind upon us all, Messi will treat Arsenal's gameplay as a particularly cruel and cunning poker player toys with novices used to the occasional on-line flutter.

I understand, flicking over to cricket for as short a time as possible, that there is some concern over IPL commentators referring to players "scoring a maximum 6" and wondering if "all bases are covered".

We warned them this would happen, did we not?

To conclude, I have two stories, but only enough space for one....So it will have to be....Toads can predict earthquakes.