Tuesday, February 17, 2009

alternative lyrics

Context is all. The cold, dark outside only appears so upsetting in its stark contrast to the weekend because of my own "director's eye", which sees the angles and the shadows and the framing of this life as it would seem on screen. Maybe there is a nihilism here hitherto not appreciated. I believe what I am told, which means the sometime hours later analysis is somewhat devalued.

On the walk to work, the orgy of ordinariness. I can imagine the lights behind curtains, the clicking of switches: kettles, hair straighteners, radios. The slight return of older memories, of kitchens in the time before, the crackling kitchen radio, which was red but before which was silver, a cheese-grater style grill through which I would listen to quiz shows, plays, and later John Peel in the dark on a pillow.

Context, then. From one angle the view is fairly horrific. There are signs and clear evidence of behaviour which I cannot refute even if the claims are themselves difficult to prove. Whilst all this develops my understanding of everything switches, alters. A lack of confidence which is taken as guilt (or an absence of proof otherwise...). In the dreams fire and flames consume everything and threaten to destroy even railway platforms and restaurants. My characteristic reaction is analysis but maybe the fire and the railway platforms and the maps detailed with the tiniest writing are all mere memories, thrown together into a hazy narrative through the muddled drawing of such lines by the blind face of conscious.

The effect of such contrasts is unsettling. It upsets and I lack the will and strength to fully comprehend what is being done, and how, and the reasons why. From this current position I find it difficult to understand why smiles and kisses and feelings of love are so easily swamped, washed away, by the sudden switching of position or place. Everything has a place but perhaps not everything has rhythm. This is another problem. But I am not strong enough to argue so until this is rectified, I know my place.