Thursday, December 21, 2006

a line drawn in the sand

How brilliant is the season. Oh I did wish to be happier, more "of the spirit" but things do get me down. Silly things with no substantive evidence. Was the love of my life literally the one only chance? Is life so cruel as to show in colour now that which was monochrome before? I wake to silence in an empty bed, as I have done so often, adding new weight to old memories...

Hey, did you want jokes? Quite stupid, very strange, daft. I am tense, because all my decisions come back to haunt. It has nothing to do with recent developments, whatever they are. I sigh, and moan, because all the good times are framed within memories; you can never take them with you. In recent months, it has taken my best mate moving to Melbourne, and an increased use of skunk, to showcase the good times I thought would never leave. My writing, now requested for and published, is an achievement numbed by outside episodes.

I will not be found hanging from the wardrobe yet...All my good times are memories. It can't be envy, surely, this heavy swirling cloud n my stomach? For years I made decisions based on what I assumed other people thought of me. All consequences from there on in are coming back to remind me that, best friends or not, I should have stook by love when it came for me. Now for all my happiness I am left unsteady by thoughts of paths not taken.

I may come back here, and realise I do not really mean any of this. Suddenly it is not clear what I really want...