Tuesday, October 31, 2006

don't be afraid of midnight

I cried all the way home.

These past few weeks have been so different for me - so much stronger, so more confident. I cannot allow the "old" version of me to overtake a period of my life (personal and within work). And yet, and yet... Even after a much different version of me worked so damn hard to keep above the playground antics of those I cannot abide, it took just one silly switch, a flicker of old-me emotion, to throw away everything I have worked so hard to build. What was worse than thinking about the weight of disappointment on my shoulders from people I know? The knowledge that the weight came from the realisation that it is just me who needs to think anything of me after another centre-piece of stupidity. And all because of....All I have wanted to do is prove that I can come up with suggestions, ideas, that will be of benefit to others. Arrogrance, the squashing of potential, whatever the thing is that switches me over happened in a couple of sentences....I cried all the way home.

This house is empty, which makes everything worse. All I can hear are a mix of clock ticks, fireworks, happy screams, and my whimpers. Oh I just wish the bloody idiot within this head of mine could be carved out. All the best intentions, ruined, and for what?

Midnight is a strange beast. She dresses in velvet, but is fading, like cheap cotton. She is not to be feared. Midnight has no teeth. You have to be fearful of midday, for the heat can only build. Do not be afraid of midnight. My stomach is churning, and I cannot be confident of anything anymore. Just as the days were feeling fantastic, nothing makes much sense. Hate this, hate this, really..don't know where this puts me.